Well then, you all probably know that I am a misanthrope of the highest order. The overwhelming disgust and bitter disdain I hold for the fellow members of my species knows no bounds; so during the festive period I am a particularly seething, writhing, mass of deep seated ill-will and irascibility, and as recent events are only serving to amplify the impending total shutdown of "good will to all men", the thought of meandering through the hobbling hordes of bargain hunters sits as easy on my being as the sight of Humpty Dumpty sitting on that wall must have done to the one King's man on patrol who said "Stop titting about you egg bastard and step back off the edge, you arse!".
People piss me off.
HOWEVER...last night, whilst buying presents for the assembly of part-time atheistic, gift gluttons I refer to as my family, there was a moment of purity that made me smile a little bit and go "aww".
Having spent all my creativity points on choosing a gift for both my eldest niece and my nephew, and also after buying a hideously expensive leather jacket to cleanse the pallete (i may have bought you things but I spent many times more on myself....enjoy) I was left with an empty jar of resourcefulness with which to thrust web-ward and buy a prezzy for my other younger nieces.
Now despite what that pesky register claims, I have never yet had cause to get involved in the garments of a school girl. But knowing that teenagers are all tremendously particular in their apparel, I thought it best not to buy clothes, despite my sister saying "She likes playboy stuff".
Call me a cantankerous old character if you will, but I refuse to buy my 15 year old niece something that is endorsed BY A FUCKING PORNO MAG!
After resigning myself to the fact that I am totally without clue, I sent a text to young Abigail "What do you like? for Christmas and that."
The answer that came was precisely and fundamentally what people forget at this time of year, despite the religious hoo-haa that seems to be lost now (which is good). The feeling that you should just be an all round good shit to everyone and everything, should be an underlying rule for life.
That said, I'll be fucked if I'm going to be the first to take it up. I prefer being a perennial "Grinch" type figure, huffing and chuffing at the collective dregs of society that blights my existence.
I fear I may have digressed.
The message that I received, in response to my cleverly worded and subtle question, designed to surreptitiously draw out the requisite information, was as follows.
"Don't worry, you don't need to get me anything. Just give me a card. x"
Now isn't that lovely?
She'll regret that message though...Ross doesn't do cards.
Chump.
Merry Christmas.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
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